By Jagbir Kaur Kang, MA, MS, AMFT

Survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV) face a long journey toward recovery and healing, not just from physical and emotional wounds but from deep scars of betrayal, isolation and fear. Abusers often manipulate and silence survivors to the extent they have trouble asking for help. In addition, survivors who have felt judgment from their friends or community may further isolate themselves. As a result, survivors might not seek professional help because they fear being exposed to more shame and judgment. Even if they have sought counseling, they may have had a negative experience if they encountered professionals who advised changing relationships before survivors felt ready. Appropriate counseling is crucial for helping survivors create an easier path to healing.

When survivors first meet with a counselor, they may experience relief and vulnerability. They’ve come to counseling not just to recount their traumatic experiences but to reclaim the voices and identities lost to prolonged exposure to abuse. These individuals are not just clients who need counseling; they are survivors who need the understanding and empowerment others could not provide. As survivors share their pain, the role of the counselor becomes critically important. Professional counselors can provide support that extends beyond clinical techniques and structured interventions.

The Power of Validation

Extended periods of abuse can distort a survivor’s sense of reality. Survivors often question their perceptions and feelings, but through validation, counselors can affirm a survivor’s reality and counter the internalized messages of self-doubt and worthlessness left by their abuser. A simple statement, such as “what you went through was not your fault,” carries power for a survivor who has been conditioned to believe otherwise. Validation fosters trust between the counselor and survivor and within survivors themselves. It enables them to reconnect with their emotions, thoughts and experiences, which lays the groundwork for healing and growth.

The Need for Empathy Over Expertise

Many survivors enter counseling having been dismissed or misunderstood by those closest to them. They’ve heard invalidating responses such as, “If it was so bad, why didn’t you leave?” While clinical expertise is essential, what survivors need most from their counselor is empathy — an act of human connection that often catalyzes a survivor’s healing process. A counselor can provide a profound sense of safety by validating a survivor’s experiences without judgment and not minimizing or ignoring a survivor’s pain.

Survivors expect an empathetic ally who listens with their ears and heart. A counselor who is willing to sit with someone’s pain, without rushing to “fix” it, offers the much-needed space for survivors to feel seen and heard. Such validation can be transformative. It reassures survivors they’re not overreacting, their emotions are legitimate and their survival reflects strength, not weakness.

Celebrating Strength, Not Just Survival

Many IPV survivors don’t fully realize their immense courage. Enduring the pain and trauma of abuse requires extraordinary strength. Counselors can remind survivors of their ability to endure and help them recognize the depths of their fortitude. Reminding survivors to celebrate courage is not about minimizing trauma or pain — it is about helping people see that their survival reflects inner strength. Celebrating strength also includes helping survivors envision a future that is not defined by past experiences of abuse. Professionals can use therapeutic interventions, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative therapy, to help survivors reframe trauma and shift perspectives for a better future.

The Role of Counselors in Empowering Survivors

Survivors are experts in their lived experience. By echoing what survivors share, counselors can empower them. Many survivors struggle to make decisions and have an increased distrust in themselves and the world. Counselors can help survivors take small steps toward healing by providing resources, educating them about setting goals and boundaries, and reminding them to create a life that reflects their values, needs and desires. However, survivors might not like or want the support offered, they might want different levels of support, or they might make choices based on their changing needs. Giving survivors a sense of control about their healing can empower them to shape their own future.

Counseling as a Catalyst for Transformation

Healing allows survivors to regain confidence. Survivors need a knowledgeable yet compassionate ally who can hold a lantern to illuminate their healing path until the fog of self-doubt clears. Counselors can be catalysts for profound transformation by affirming the pain survivors feel, acknowledging their courage and believing them.