Green-eyed monster -- jealousy -- is eating this guy alive

Ellie Tesher, The Sun Times

Dear Ellie: After a year of dating my wife, we lived apart temporarily due to work and she met someone else. I was devastated but moved on. A few months later we got back, things seemed fine.

But after we married two years ago, I developed constant feelings of jealousy about her ex and bitterness and hatred toward her. I don't like to do things with her that we used to enjoy together. These feelings affect my sex drive and my confidence. Occasionally, I even have nightmares about it.

Sometimes I regret letting her back into my life and I regret marrying her. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she says it's my problem and gets really angry. So when I'm around her I pretend there's nothing wrong.

I wasn't previously a jealous or obsessive person, but it's getting bad. I think I need to talk to someone, but we're currently living in Germany for my work, and I don't speak enough of the language. Are there any online therapists to whom I can talk?

JEALOUS

Dear Jealous: You've taken a step in the right direction by recognizing that you can beat these destructive demons of jealousy and bitterness by getting professional help. Obsessing on the past can overwhelm not only your marriage, but your daily functioning, in spite of the reality of this situation. After all, your wife chose you and made a permanent commitment.

While it's obvious this earlier romance has triggered negative feelings in you, you may find through therapy that this was a self-destructive reaction waiting to happen. This could've resulted from a problem at work, say, or some big disappointment. This is because it has more to do with how you feel about yourself when things go wrong. Getting therapy is crucial for this episode and for your future.

According to David Boudreau of FGIworld, which provides Internet counseling to a range of companies and their employees, people seeking "e-counseling" outside a company program should make certain that the counselor belongs to a professional association that regulates the counseling practice. He adds, "Internet counseling clients should know the name of their counselor [and not just an Internet pseudonym], as well as the counselor's qualifications and training."

Many professional associations worldwide (psychologists, social workers,
psychotherapists) maintain a registry of members. The American Counseling Association provides an online link, "How do I find a professional counselor?" See <http://www.counseling.org> www.counseling.org to locate e-counseling.

Dear Ellie: My boyfriend of three years is good-natured, funny, intelligent, stable, has great integrity, and we love the same activities. But he's distant sometimes and goes hours without speaking to me (he's not angry).

If I talk to him, he often doesn't respond, as if I don't exist or matter. He's also not affectionate, won't hold my hand, rarely touches me outside the bedroom. If I put my arms around him for a kiss, he just stands there, arms hanging. He greets me with a small peck on the lips, even if we've been apart several days, and sometimes he intentionally misses my mouth.

In bed, he just lies there for several minutes before approaching me. Yet he spends most of his free time with me and he's very chatty and affectionate with his children and grandchild (though cold with his mother).

We're in our late 40s and I'm a very affectionate, passionate woman and this behavior makes me think we have no future. What do you think?

FROZEN

Dear Frozen: The alarm went off at "his mother." Some people can accept that a partner is cool in public, if there's warmth in private. But you're getting the Big Chill in every case, except for the sex act. This does not bode well. It makes me question your perception of his good nature, intelligence, integrity and interests similar to yours, since clearly he's emotionally polarized from you and doesn't try to do anything about it.

If you feel now like you don't matter, imagine how nonexistent you can become once he's no longer having to woo you. The guy has a problem with intimacy, and he's had it for years. Worse, he's treating you like his mother.

Walk away. And don't look back unless he informs you he's deep into personal therapy and is getting insights that will help him change.

Tip of the Day: E-counseling can be very helpful, provided you have checked out your therapist's credentials and you both are clear on Internet privacy issues.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.