Personal Identity and the Importance of Respecting Pronouns

For many people today, adding personal pronouns — on name badges, email signatures, social media profiles, verbal introductions, etc. — has become a standard part of how we share our name and identity with others. Pronouns — such as he, she and they — are deeply personal and are integral to how people express themselves. Similar to pronouncing or spelling someone’s name correctly, accurately using a person’s pronouns is both a basic and critical way to show respect and support; acknowledge and validate the identity and sense of self of others; and ensure a sense of inclusion and belonging.

In this article, we’ll cover some of the dos and don’ts of expressing gender identity through language and what to do if you misstep.

DO Share Your Own Pronouns
When you’re speaking to someone for the first time and aren’t certain of what pronouns they use, it’s important to approach the conversation with respect. You can start by introducing yourself and what pronouns you use, to create a welcoming environment that may encourage the other person to share their pronouns too.

DO Ask Open-Ended Questions
You can use open-ended questions to show that you value another person's identity. Questions like, "What pronouns do you use?" or "What pronouns would you like me to use?" can go a long way to fostering a relationship. Questions such as these help show that you are open to learning about who they are and how they wish to be addressed.

DON’T Ask About “Preferred Pronouns”
It is important to avoid using the word "preferred" when discussing pronouns. Using the word “preferred” when talking about pronouns can give the impression that gender identity and pronouns used by individuals are ultimately a choice. This may suggest that other options may be considered acceptable when they are not. So, when you are discussing the language that someone uses to reference themselves, you can refer to it as simply “pronouns.”

DO Correct Mistakes Quickly and Move On
Mistakes can and do happen with personal pronoun use. It can seem challenging, for example, if you’re asked to use new pronouns for someone who’s previously identified in a different way. But misgendering — referring to a person using pronouns that aren’t the ones they identify with — can be upsetting and harmful, even if it was done out of habit or without malice.

When misgendering happens and someone brings your attention to it, it’s important to avoid making excuses or becoming defensive. A prompt and sincere apology can make all the difference. You don’t need to make a big deal, but simply saying something like “I’m so sorry about that; thank you for reminding me. I hear you and I’ll do better next time” may be enough said.

DO Lean into Relationships to Address Tough Topics
Conversations about misgendering can look different because the act of misgendering can happen out of habit rather than malice or ignorance. If you have a relationship with a person whose pronouns you’ve gotten wrong and are willing to have a conversation about it, leaning into that relationship can make a difference. Listen attentively to their response and follow their lead on how to proceed. Hopefully, the relationship that you’ve built can withstand the challenge. It could be that your willingness to express appreciation, humility and support toward the other person can subsequently strengthen your relationship as a result.

DON’T Get Hung Up on Old Grammar Rules
Despite the words “they” or “them” as a singular pronoun being more commonplace and recognized by most language style guides, its usage can still trip people up. Oftentimes, this has a lot to do with traditional grammar rules that we learned years ago. But language is constantly changing and the uses of many words — think the difference between how words like “bad” or “sick” were used 50 years ago compared to today, for example — change over time. So being open to the shifts in the way we use words can be helpful in rolling with new terms and applications of language. And if you continue to struggle with the “singular they,” you can always use the person’s name instead.

DO Approach Conversations with Cultural Humility
Cultural humility is the foundation for much of the work professional counselors do for their clients and their communities. However, cultural humility is not a concept exclusive to counselors and the mental health care community. Cultural humility is simply acknowledging that you don't have all the answers (tip: none of us do!), accepting that your personal identities and experiences can limit your perspective and awareness in understanding the experience of others, and maintaining a mindset of openness and curiosity. All of us have the potential to change and grow; cultural humility challenges us to reflect and hold ourselves accountable for that growth.

Special thanks to Rob McKinney, Ph.D., LMHC, and Stacy Pinto, Ph.D., LPCC, from the Society for Sexual, Affectional, Intersex, and Gender Expansive Identities (SAIGE), a division of the American Counseling Association (ACA).